Tuesday, September 1, 2009

This Isnt Home

right time,2.27a.m.
right place,MY room,MY home,taman sejati indah.
right pc,MY superslow pc.
but it doesnt feel right.

this isn't my home..

its started by yesterday,its all began when i were texting with my sister,
she ask me about balik raya trip,about getting the ticket and all that,
then she ask me something.
"esok awak nak balik kedah x ikot abg zaki?"
without thinking,spontaniously,i answer
"nakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk,bila kul brapa?"
and the rest was history..
the rest of the night,there's only one things that lingers my mind.
"Tommorow,i gonna go back,my place,where i belong.."

After that last class of the week,the German class,
i REALLY wanna go back home.but,i have go to the KL central first.
at 6.30pm,i went to ktm station near ukm to go to KL central.
my sis keep asking me to buy ticket for balik raya.using a train.
no way =.=" i hate train.the journey from UKM station to KL central are nitemare to me.
i am no sardine.seriously,i hate crowded places.H.A.T.E
by 8.30,my brother-in-law pick me up and went straight to kedah.

When I arrive at penang.
seberang jaya to be exact, i started thinking about home again.about my llife there and so on.
just before i arrive at the sungai petani toll,
i were thinking,why the hell i feel so different this time?
i never been apart for home for more than 1 month.
why i feel i dont belong here anymore?
That was the beginning.

The moment i step into my house,
my mother,sister still awake.(i dont see my father yet.even now not yet.)
they ask me to wash my face first.
I really dont understand.
is it a malay custom to do like that?
at first i thought because i look like just been awake or something.
then my 2nd sis said:
"awk dari jauh,pegi la basuh muka."
then i remember if we have any baby in our house or something like that.
we have to wash our face after we enter the house.
seriously,why?!
nevermind that.

I also notice that the layout of the house has been changed.
The living room are full with gift for zaara (or i prefer called her iman)
and with all the tilam there.
after salam my mother and so on,
i went straight to my room.
ok,its weird to see my room has telekung now.
my bed doesnt look like my bed already.(i didnt find my pillow up until now.)
but i doesnt care.I started on my pc.

Thats the main reason im home.
My pentium 4,2.40Gh,256mb ram,30gb HD pc(an a slow one too)
ok,it takes long time to boot up, i dont care.
then i play my o2jam games for about 30minutes.
then i want to open the modem.(not open but erm,turn on)
then i was like electrocuted.
WTH!? I touch the cpu again(because the modem are on top of the cpu)
argh,damn~i think it the current leak somewhere.
but nevermind.nothing build to last right?
I started exploring my own pc,not many things changed sinced i left it.
I dont think my sis did anything except installing adobe photoshop 7.0
(i wonder why she doesnt use CS4 portable i downloaded before)

Then,i double click on the WMP(windows media player)
pick a random song,and start exploring the pc again.
this time,it were...so different.
my pc got no connection to the internet like the last time i used the pc.
i can connect but my pc doesnt get any data.
my moms cut it already.
I know this things already,but i expect,nothing changed,just a bit.
but..the feeling are..so different.

I am here now.2.59 am.at my usual chair.
my pc.my room.my home.
but it doesnt feel right.
it gets weirder when i went to get a bath just now.
even the toilets are different.
everythings change's in my home.
even the smell..
the lights too..
This isnt home.
This is not my home.
it cant be.
after I get a bath,i began searching for my cloth.
i open my closet.but.i dont know how or what or why,
the cloth and pants in MY closet isn't mine.
i dont even know them.never seen them before.

not only that,
even my family are not same anymore now,i do feel they treat me differently now.
what the hell happen? is it because of iman?my sister child?
so every loves now on her instead of me?
am i jealous of that baby?
maybe yes..
maybe no..
but i dont care,i also love that baby.

but this is not right.
everythings are different.
i refuse to call this my home.
i dont get the feeling of being home.
i know this are not dreams,
i can differentiate dreams and reality very well,
i really hope,this are a haunted house or something,
i dont care,i want my home back.
i feel scared,even in my home,even in ramadhan.

where's my home?
where's my pc?
where's my family?

im homesick,in my own home.

(this post were meant to be published at 29/8/09
at cc.i dont care if anyone gonna read it or not.
this are for me.for future reference.i dont know how to private a post using blogger and i know tommorow
im lazy to search it at blogspot using cc pc..
i originally type this using a notepad at my "home" computer.
3.17am.Finish)

7 comments:

NurAreefah said...

cehh

ainazirah said...

kesian~

klu ini kenyataan, get real la~
learn to adapt lg best

wany said...

sabar jela heh feeq..buat aku terkjut je ari uh.igtkan ko kene culik k ape.hahaha

cekellyme said...

huhu...
sabar ja la..
beginilah nasib menjadi paksu or maksu diusia muda...
aku lagi lar selalu menjadi mangsa tumbukan anak sedara aku..
but i love him so much..
he's my halo.. :)

eju said...

aku PAHAM SGT perasaan ko..
mase aku form 1, aku masuk asrama, & mase tu, first anak buah aku lahir.. & at that time, mmg aku rasa mcm apa yg ko rasa skrg.. tp xpe, lama2 ko akan biase & ko akan sayaaaang sgt baby tu mcm ko syg anak sndiri =) trust me.

eju said...

aku PAHAM SGT perasaan ko..
mase aku form 1, aku masuk asrama, & mase tu, first anak buah aku lahir.. & at that time, mmg aku rasa mcm apa yg ko rasa skrg.. tp xpe, lama2 ko akan biase & ko akan sayaaaang sgt baby tu mcm ko syg anak sndiri =) trust me.

bihah said...

syafeeq....jgn sedih..ko tetap ade aku sbgai kawan ko.everything will be alright..just be patient..aku faham..skrg hampir semuanya berubah..tapi takpe...ko akan ok.akan ok...trust me.